Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

.:Originally posted at my old blog on July 21st, 2011:.

According to Walt Disney pictures, POTC: On Stranger Tides occurs when “Captain Jack Sparrow (Depp) crosses paths with a woman from his past (Cruz), and he’s not sure if it’s love — or if she’s a ruthless con artist who’s using him to find the fabled Fountain of Youth. When she forces him aboard the Queen Anne’s Revenge, the ship of the formidable pirate Blackbeard (McShane), Jack finds himself on an unexpected adventure in which he doesn’t know who to fear more: Blackbeard or the woman from his past.”

 

 

SPOILERS (PROBABLY) BEYOND THIS POINT. YE BE WARNED.

As my film teacher would say, “I hate you to burst your bubble, but it’s always money first. Always.” Disney is a professional when it comes to this concept, as can be seen by every half-assed sequel to every one of their brilliant 1990s animated creations. It can be seen by their skillful merchandising, and their elaborate theme parks throughout the world. Unfortunately, this movie seems like nothing more than a money-grubbing continuation of a successful series… and although it seems fair that they fail, Disney most certainly didn’t. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is the 8th film to rake in over one billion dollars worldwide. As it stands, it’s the 3rd highest-grossing film of all time. And seeing as everything is about the bucks, these statistics will only come to fuel the one thing I despise: when a brilliant movie is followed by sub-par successions and the company producing them doesn’t know when or how to stop.
 

MY NUMBER ONE PROBLEM WITH THIS MOVIE: Let’s think about the first of the Pirates of the Caribbean installments. Most everyone’s favorite character was the clever Captain Jack Sparrow, daft enough to whittle his way out of every lethal situation and always one step ahead when it came to carrying out his master plan. He owed allegiance to no man. He feared not even the gallows. And he did whatever was necessary to get the object of his desire. Sparrow was mysterious and charming, and in 2003, he made kids around the world aspire to be a pirate sailing the Seven Seas.

In a good 90% this movie, or of the preceding two chapters in this quartet, Jack Sparrow has become a water-downed parody of himself. Instead of a character being portrayed with care, it is a larger-than-life caricature. One that, somehow, other people still find amusing, even after the same distorted, one-trick cartoon has danced in front of their faces for three movies. The true Captain Jack Sparrow does not exist anymore; only the echo of an unpredictable human being that died after the first film. In his dialogue and in his movements, he has been reduced to a child. Remember when he was running around in POTC: Dead Man’s Chest chanting, “I’ve got a jar of dirt!” ? If you are off to see this film, prepare for a painful two hours and sixteen minutes of that Jack Sparrow. The one that fumbles around, making annoying remarks like an immature school boy, with no exact plan and no devilish smile to accompany him. Though there are a few snippets of the individual we once knew and loved in this film, Sparrow follows every great moment with an idiotic comment that destroys all hope you may have gained for the character.

MY FINAL SIGNIFICANT COMPLAINT ABOUT THIS MOVIE: Though the entire plot of the film was scattered, I found myself more annoyed with the ending than any other stage of the story. It was more than a bit ridiculous in all honesty. There is no way for me to properly explain it to you; you really need to experience it. First, there was the less-than-climatic fight between Blackbeard and Barbossa’s crews (even Jack pointed out that the quarrel was the opposite of logical. That’s got to tell you something). And then among that barely-sensical battle, the Spanish show up and completely reject the idea of the fountain of youth. They sought to bring down the entire temple after risking their lives to seek it? After they possessed the two chalices for eternal life and were on the course to the Agua de Vida? What a stupid plot twist, to have Britain’s competition walk in for about a minute, destroy everything with no explanation or foreshadowing, and walk away without objection. And then for Barbossa to take charge of Blackbeard’s ship amongst the chaos? And for Syrena to offer eternal life to the kidnappers who left her to rot?  It all certainly made no sense to me. Though, I suppose, it didn’t surprise me that Jack’s idiocy was the ultimate catalyst for Blackbeard and Angelica’s conclusion.

But there is one thing to hate about this ending, it’s that it set itself up for a FIFTH movie. I do believe my thoughts were, eloquently and respectfully, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

THINGS I DID ENJOY ABOUT THIS FILM: The mermaids were interesting. While enchantingly beautiful, they are arguably the fiercest creatures in all the chapters of this franchise. I’ve always loved the idea of seemingly innocent mermaids actually being evil and murderous… even if I did find their far-fetched leaping attacks and gummy tongues to be hilarious. Hilarious, and probably not in a good way. A fine subplot of romance blossoms between one of these sirens and a religious young lad; one which, although far more cheesy and cliche for a normal human being to stand, I found myself rooting for until the closing credits. Perhaps it’s the secret romantic in me, but the two lovers were certainly one of the only highlights. Don't worry, I'm not proud of that whatsoever.

As always, the score is perfect. Hans Zimmer has been continually proving his musical genius since Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl.

But, despite the few positives, I would not watch this film again. Even seeing it twice to formulate a proper review was too much for me. Twice I have mentally noted it’s expected faults, and twice I have grown bored with it’s one-dimensional characters and desperate grasps for humor. If I were you, I would place the first film on repeat, pretend the others were never made, and soak up the initial Disney magic. 

Take what ye can! Give nothing back! Savvy?