On my list of goals for yesterday was to watch a French movie and review it, but after I couldn't find a link for La Vie en Rose ANYWHERE on the vast expanse of the internet, finally settled for a romantic comedy on Netflix, and had the strain of that program cause my computer to freeze and shut down, I wasn't really in the mood anymore. So, I set out on my other goal for the day: get to page 500 in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. And I ended up reading until 3AM without every realizing what time it was.
I only checked the clock when I turned on my computer again, sobbing and bearing this heavy feeling in my chest that, in my experience, can only be caused by books and media. Something about the last paragraph in Chapter 23, Horcruxes, moved me so much, I couldn't control myself or my emotions. After reading and re-reading the passage and the page over again, I sat in my bed and contemplated it, just weeping. Then I got up and paced back and forth from the bathroom, thinking more and more about it. It was only when I had calmed down a little did I feel the urge to chronicle this emotion... whatever it was.
And so, here is what I constructed on Tumblr at 3AM this morning
“But he understood at last what Dumbledore had been trying to tell him. It was, he thought, the difference between being dragged into the arena to face a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high. Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between between the two ways, but Dumbledore knew— and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush of fierce pride, and so did my parents—that there was all the difference in the world.”
i have literally just been sitting, contemplating this quote and crying for fucking minutes. i don’t know why this paragraph struck such a chord with me, but i re-read it three times and i just… at the first level, it got me at “and so did my parents.” fuck, i have chills all over my arms and i’m crying now just thinking about it. that whole section: “and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush of fierce pride, and so did my parents.” what a victorious moment, you know?! i can’t even explain why this gets to me so much, i don’t know what my emotions are doing?? and harry’s proud of himself but also his parents. because they did know. they faced voldemort with courage. james didn’t try to hide, and lily didn’t run away, though she could have. they walked into the arena with their head’s held high. and harry is doing the same thing. the prophecy didn’t force him into this fight; he stands there defiantly and willingly, and it just feels like one of those moments where a person becomes a hero.
and for some reason this whole passage is so fucking true to me, and i don’t know why it makes me cry so much, and makes my throat constrict and make it really fucking difficult to breathe, but it just get what they’re saying. there’s a huge difference in the way you walk into a battle to the death. it’s about choosing hope over resignation, bravery over fear, power over weakness, dignity over lowliness, strength over defeat. it’s about walking into the fight and fucking fighting.
I'm nearly finished with the sixth installment of the Harry Potter series now... and over a year after I started, I'm almost done with my Harry Potter re-read. This book has actually been one of my least favorites, and though tiny moments have made me swell a bit with fangirl feelings (Harry owning the Minister of Magic, Dumbledore nearly crying when Harry proclaims himself as "Dumbledore's man through and through," Luna getting excited over the prospect of being friends with anyone, Mr. Weasley saying how lucky they were to have Ron sit next to Harry on the train their first year, Ron sort of saying "I love you" to Hermione), this book has not made me as emotional or kept my interest as the others have, in general.
But last night was a reminder of why I love this book series. It gave me all of the emotion that I've missed the past six months without Harry Potter. That was the most moved I've felt by a single paragraph, I think. And it's incredible that words can do that to a person. I've missed reading in general, but I've run out of time, and my real life at college is more wonderful than I could have imagined. I'm going to definitely put in the effort next quarter to get some reading done though!! At the very least, I am going to complete this HP re-read and enjoy the overwhelming waves of feelings that overtakes me. On one hand, I fear this journey ending, but at the same time I'm so excited to read The Deathly Hallows because I remember so little of it.
I think I'll do a proper review of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince when I'm finished with it, but for now, enjoy this ramble! It feels as though my blog has been lacking in words lately.
♥ Happy Reading, and Merry Almost-Christmas! ♥
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