Hi everyone! So... it's been a while. While I would like to say that I am going to really commit to writing more often in the coming year, such certainty feels like an empty promise at this point. I will try. But I took on way too many commitments this academic year and this Fall Quarter has been, for various reasons, by far my worst since starting college. I will probably post some pictures from my adventures in Europe last summer, but it would be a bit tedious and overdue to go full-out and write about my travels. I barely remember the trip, if I am being completely honest. It feels like a strange dream I had one time. But today, I am going to write about something else entirely, with an important tie-in.
Though I am happy and incredibly grateful that I was able to go abroad last summer and visit so many places that I had only seen through a computer screen, there has been a thought plaguing my mind since returning to school: we may have missed the point. We may have missed the point of traveling. Being immersed in history is mind-boggling for certain, and seeing famous landmarks is a weird combination of completely normal and totally amazing. Sometimes being in a building is enough. For example, I cried sitting in the Notre Dame simply because it was the Notre Dame that I was sitting in, and I had been dreaming of sitting in the Notre Dame for years. I would not hesitate to revisit such a breath-taking place (but maybe not during July or August, the height of the tourist season.....). It is one of the only things in my life that I can refer to as a dream-come-true.
But after returning to the United States, I wish we had not only seen all of this wonderful history and art, I wish we had MET more people. I wish we had more stories to tell. My cousins and I befriended a kid that we randomly kept running into in Rome, but he was not European. We gravitated towards him because he, like us, was a young Californian trying to figure out what to do with himself. He was cool, and I'm glad we had the opportunity to figure out Rome together. But of all the people we brushed shoulders with, why did we buddy up with the one guy that we could have run into anytime at home?
In most cities, we simply kept to ourselves... which is why I think we may have missed the point of traveling. I think the point, truly, is to meet people from different cultures than my own, and to expand my mind about what it is like to not be a nineteen year-old, white, middle-class woman from Southern California. The point is to learn, and to make crazy fun memories with the friends you meet. My cousins and I are all very shy people, but I wish we had set fire to that part of ourselves, and tried to have a drink with teenagers in pubs and converse with the travelers hanging out in the same hostel. That is MUCH easier said than done for someone with my personality. But I think I may have figured out how to make that change.
Which brings us to December 21, 2013, the night of the Winter Solstice. The best party I have been to in a very long time. Cathy and her wonderful sister, Ali, planned a "feminist goth Winter Solstice party," that turned into a combination of dark decorations, black clothes, The Nightmare Before Christmas running in the background for a record five times, jam sessions with guitars and a ukelele, and baking delicious vegan cinnamon rolls.
And no alcohol.
I knew exactly three people in a sea of unfamiliar faces, was not afforded any liquid courage, and somehow I spent the night doing nothing but speaking. Having CONVERSATIONS?! WITH STRANGERS?! It was strange and incredible. There was a point where I came downstairs and everyone I mildly recognized had disappeared, but somehow I fought the desire to hide out and just started talking to the remaining three in the living room. We bonded over our love for Cathy's oldest dog, and sat on the couch discussing family dynamics for a least twenty minutes. Later, I was at a table talking about body image with one of Cathy's closest friends, a girl I had just met for the first time. During jam sessions where we screamed out well-known tunes, I was complimented on my singing voice by strangers. And when I was overcome by a coughing attack (due to a lung infection I procured during Finals Week... fun) and had to excuse myself, a guy I had met an hour earlier stopped me to ask if I was alright. This probably sounds like a list of inconsequential things... but I have never felt this comfortable during a party. People being welcoming and inclusive?! Me not planted on the couch, downing a mixed drink and enduring forced small talk?! It's practically unheard of.
The only word I can think of to describe the experience is "refreshing." Take what you will from that, but it was quite the change of pace from my usual strategy of: slink my way into the party, get overwhelmed, nervously grab the nearest drink, poorly play beer pong with an even worse partner, and end up drunk out of oblivion by the end of the night. With a head-pounding hangover the next day. I am used to conversations in which neither you nor the person you are talking to will remember the next morning, and so this new wave of connection got me really thinking about the way I approach social interaction in general.
The struggles of preparing vegan cinnamon rolls, and Cathy admiring her musical boo
Giovanni painting an eyeliner mustache on Chantal, and Ali preparing Winter Solstice decorations
The problem that I face with parties is that I am too focused on how others perceive me. I try to be funny not for the enjoyment everyone can get from it, but so that people will think I'm funny. And I often end up drinking way too much because I try to shut up those voices telling me that I am as interesting as the wall behind me. I often end up not speaking at all because trying for small talk means trying to impress the other person.
With the Winter Solstice party in mind, I have discovered
that the reason I don't have fun at parties is purely the mindset behind it. This
whole time, I have been going about social encounters all wrong... I have seen
them in such a narcissistic way! The goal of a conversation should not be
to win another person over, but to GET TO KNOW the person you are talking to. It
seems so obvious. But because I tend to focus on how I am perceived, the person
I am talking to doesn’t even matter. Does it make a difference who they are?
No! Because in this mindset, that person does not exist as anything more than a
potential source of validation or rejection. They are a receiver of the signals
I am transmitting, and their reaction is the only thing I value them for. This
needs to change. I may be the main character of my own life, but when I go out
into the world, I should not be blind to all of the lives happening around me.
I need to stop seeing parties as a room full of unfamiliar faces, but of human
beings with human lives that I just haven’t met yet. They are people who deserve to be
recognized and listened to.
Often times I struggle with the feeling that I do not fit
with the crowd I’m wading through, but that feeling should not be a source of
anxiety. I’m figuring out that, maybe, it should be preferred. While there is
only a handful of people who are similar to me, there are billions in the world
who are extremely different. I should be trying to learn about their life and
their unique experiences, and how they found themselves at this party to begin
with. Being able to relate and be understood is wonderful, don't get me wrong.
It can be so validating! But I have this new-found realization in me, telling
me that I miss out on so much because I do not work to understand people who
are so obviously and wildly different from me.
Wise words taken from Pinterest.
So I guess that's what this post is about. If you are like me, and parties make you incredibly nervous, don't just shut down and find the nearest drink to take the edge off. Have fun, but do not rely on alcohol to function in the discomfort. You don't need it! Just work on changing the way you think about social interaction. Do it selflessly! If you are out traveling, don't avoid eye contact for fear of getting sucked into a conversation. I was so embarrassed to be American while abroad that I tried not to speak altogether. Instead, no matter where you are, I encourage you to just go with it.
Strand yourself in the middle of the world and learn how to swim. Learn how to exist in a social space. Accept that it is okay to be uncomfortable, but do not let your discomfort stop you from fully experiencing the conversation at hand. It is important to be mindful of your words and actions, but don't do it for yourself. Don't be self-aware to gain fans, do it with the intention of making everyone else feel comfortable and respected. The world is filled to the brim with seven billion fascinating people with completely one-of-a-kind lives. Like you, they deserve to be validated and challenged and respected. You all could discover so many new things from spending five minutes together. So do it. Get out of your head, go beyond yourself, and take in so much more than the impression you give off. I have a feeling that with practice, this way of thinking will change everything.
♥ Happy Learning ♥
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