This quarter I am taking my very first social science and behavior class:
Asian American Studies. Now, because my adolescence was comprised mainly of scrolling through Tumblr, understanding the world in terms of social issues is weirdly important to me. I'm not taking this class simply because it's a G.E. I've enrolled myself in the course because
I actually want to expand the way I think about the world around me. As it stands, I feel like an ignorant white girl. Which I am, obviously. And though I can never completely understand the hardships and the depths of racism because I was born white in suburban America, I'd like to at least chip away at the 'ignorant' part of my title.
I want to become more aware of the world around me; I want to learn about how the events of the past still affect the relations between different cultures today, and how past migrations manifest themselves in today's geography. I just think it's really interesting, I suppose.
Embarking on this endevour has come with a lot of fears, however. And
I'm going to level with you, the main one is that I'm racist and just don't know it. I'm in constant worry that there are behaviors I do, or thoughts that go through my mind, that are problematic, but I am just not consciously aware of it. I am concerned about this all of the time. So when taking this class,
there's this nagging fear that it will unfold some ugly aspect of my personality that I did not know existed. Basically, I am terrified to raise my hand to answer a question, in fear that my answer will be wrong, and thus somehow extremely insensitive or offense. Maybe that's a normal concern, or maybe it isn't, or
maybe this whole post is just going to cast me in a bad light. But hey-- at least I am aware of the fact, and willing to admit, that I'm not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to the subject of race. And I want to learn. That is the point, after all.
I'm also worried that I'll have trouble wrapping my head around the larger concepts of the course. My professor speaks with a quickness and a vocabulary that implies the listener should have some base knowledge of what she is talking about. She refers to the subjects of race, class, and gender in a very unspecific way. Sometimes it feels like there is no in-depth teaching, just an overview of what I'm supposed to understand on my own. But a quarter is only ten weeks, and it's an incredibly complex subject. Though, over the past three weeks, I've definitely learned things about life as a Filipino American in the early 1900s, I still kind of feel like I don't
understand anything. I suppose it's troublesome for me because I have a very rational and almost math-like quality to my thinking... and
there is no straight-forward memorization when trying to wade your way into the complexity of social issues. There is so much on-my-own critical thinking, that half the time I'm not even sure where I stand in the class, or what grade I will receive.
However, after splitting up into little discussion groups last Friday, I've come to realize that I'm not the only person having difficulties grappling with the subject matter. I'm going to try to keep that in mind when I'm struggling with school; everyone is doing their best, but that doesn't mean everyone is automatically doing better than me. It's all good. From what I've observed:
- Just do the reading. Even if you're feeling behind in your thought process, if you do the reading, you will know the equal amount to what everyone else in the class knows.
- TAKE NOTES when doing the reading. Being able to flip back through the notes I've made while reading the chapter has not only helped me retain the information, but it has been incredibly useful to refer back to during discussion. You'll feel much more confident about your points if you see evidence from the text written right in front of you.
- Realistically, you can't swallow the many aspects of an ethnic studies class in one week of classes. Don't expect yourself to be able to. There's no formula to memorize, that you can put into practice and in doing so, find yourself an irrefutably correct answer. The more you read and the more closely you pay attention, you can gather information over time. And that information will be put into the context of the larger concepts, and within a few weeks, a little map of the different things you know will appear. The bigger picture, with all its intricacies and dimensions, is not going to be clear right away. That takes a lot of time.
The great thing about this course so far is that it has definitely gotten my wheels turning. I've already had my eyes opened a number of times, especially in how an "American" is pictured. The typical American, in the context of history, is
almost always white. In the early 1900s, white people were considered "Americans," while people of color were considered foreigners, even if they were born on U.S. soil.
This depiction of the "typical American" is quite fascinating to me. What does an "American" mean to us now? And of course, because I'm a Film and Media Studies major, I'm always wondering about how race is represented in film.
There's a concept that I've been obsessed with for quite a while: How does one create a character of color that adequately and realistically represents his or her culture without becoming a stereotype? How does one find that perfect balance without being a person of that race? Is it possible? It's very fascinating to me. Because, let's face it, the majority of people in the film industry are white males, and though I want so badly for there to be more diversity of people behind the camera, I think it's equally as important to have people of color represented respectfully on screen. But I'm constantly wondering how to create that perfect character. I still have no idea, but hopefully every class I take will get my closer to an understanding!
♥ Happy Learning ♥
